Good grief!
Pain is something that most of us try to avoid. It’s feels bad and hard. When I am in a situation that’s painful it feels so draining and there’s a part of me that really wants to wave a magic wand and make it all go away. I did that for many years— until my ‘magic wands’ broke. My ‘magic wands’ were denial and trying to pray everything away. I firmly believe in prayer but, I don’t believe that God always takes away the things that we need to deal with just because we pray. Sometimes His answer to our prayers is to allow us to deal with painful things by going through the grieving process. That strengthens us and we find out so much about ourselves and Him in those times.
My grief overtook me one day, hitting me like a truck. It took me out. I couldn’t think, I didn’t know what day it was, I was exhausted and couldn’t wait to fall into bed at night and didn’t really look forward to waking up and feeling awful the next day.
Thank God for good therapists! My therapist walked with me and gave me tools to jump into my grief. It looked like a huge black hole to me and I could feel anxiety rise up and try to suck the life out of me as I faced it but—I faced it. I didn’t have a choice really. I couldn’t function very well and knew that it was time to learn how to grieve.
I learned a lot during that time —I’m still learning. One of the things that I learned was that pain can bring health. That may be obvious to many of you but, to me, it was like a neon light signaling that I wasn’t going to die during this process and boy, did I need that. Working through pain makes us stronger in the areas where we felt powerless.
It’s like going to the gym and working out after taking 6 months off. As you train, your muscle fibers are torn down in order to make them stronger and growth happens. I don’t always like going to the gym but, I do like the benefits of working out. My body feels better and stronger and I can do things that I wouldn’t be able to if I didn’t. I also can think more clearly and the endorphins help me feel happy and give me energy.
There is pain that doesn’t create growth—bad pain. And then there’s pain that creates healing and growth—good pain. My ways of coping stopped working and thus created good pain. I had to jump into the black hole. I couldn’t turn the other way and shut off the pain any longer.
I can’t tell you that the moment that I decided to deal with my pain and grief that everything changed but, something changed. I found out that the grief didn’t overtake me and that gave me strength and courage to go back to it and each time I did I felt a little stronger.
Three keys to dealing with grief/pain are acceptance, wise counsel and community.
Denial is okay for brief periods of time. Sometimes it saves our lives when we don’t have the tools to deal with traumatic experiences. But, denial must be temporary.
Acceptance is necessary for growth. You have to be able to own your stuff before you can be healed from it. There’s just no other way around it. Blaming others and not taking responsibility for our own stuff only causes more bad pain.
Wise counsel is priceless! Paying for therapy was a sacrifice but, it’s a sacrifice that is well worth it. Your life is worth it! No matter what your financial situation is I believe that God will provide a way for you.
Community may feel scary when you feel so broken but, we were created for community. We can only heal certain parts of our souls in community. As you accept where you’re at and are getting wise counsel you will have the strength to seek out a healthy community. Or, a healthy community may just be brought to you by going through the first two steps.
We will inevitably have pain and grief at certain times in our lives but, each time we work through it we will gain tools to help us work through it when it comes again.
